~~ kellehkins ~~

there will be a hidden message..

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 16:13:30 GMT

There’s not a Shakespearean sonnet,
Or a Beethoven quartet,
That’s easier to like than you,
Or harder to forget.
You think that sounds extravagant,
I haven’t finished yet,
I like you more than I would like,
To have a cigarette.

why is it that when we like someone we find it so bloody hard to tell them? why should someone not know that they are liked? what could possibly go wrong? the above poem is written by a lovely woman named wendy cope. my friend rachel used itto let her friend chris know how she felt about him. btw, rachel is a chain smoker. i think this is one of the cutest ways of letting someone know you like them. along with mix cds, poems are the way forward in communication. however after presenting chris with the poem, rachel hid in my room for about 3 hours, frightened that she had ruined everything. her and chris are really good friends, he makes rachel happy and he makes her feel safe, he's the one she can turn to and feel ok about everything. she has a glow when shes with him. and yeh, he is very pretty, but its more than that with this situation. its about how she feels becasue of him. chris is fine with her. he doesnt feel the same way, but it hasnt changed anything. rachel is still panicing that shes ruined it. thats so silly...if chris really is the sweet caring boy thats shes fallen for then he will understand and be there to turn to, to make it all ok.

why is it so hard?

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 15:32:14 GMT

This morning i was sat in front of a fire, just left of Bournemouth Pier. Behind me the sun was rising over the cliffs and in front of me, the Isle of Wight was waking up. My clothes had just about dried, as a result of my 4 o clock swim on Wednesday afternoon in the oh so salty English Channel. After much laughter and frolics in said water, me and my companions made our way to BIC, where at 8pm, Bob Dylan walked on stage and played 2 hours of jaw dropping musicalness that could fall into any country/rock/n roll/blues/folk genre along the way to amazing. I love him.

After the gig, we fetched our bags from a nearby bush where we had cunningly placed them before hand and went back down to the seafront. I was so happy. The pier reflected in the calm water and the 4 lonely lights that could be seen on the Island ahead were so perfect at that time.

Of course, not all things stay calm. We were joined by abdul, a strange, crazy Morrocan man, married to a Pakistani lady in Leeds, but he lives in Bournemouth and all these other random, legal, visa, CIA things he kept babbling about. We escaped his company this morning by hoppin in a taxi while he was getting cash out for his coach ride back to london, where he was taken me and vikki out to lunch.
Not for you Mr Abdul. Not for you. *shakes head*

Gosh i am ever so tired.

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 18:27:31 GMT

london is bad for my health. i returned to norwich with a headache, a blocked nose, a sore throat, and a poor self image. to top that, my brother and sister piss me off because they hardly ever go to school, my brother has missed 2 of his exams (english and science) and still seems to think he can go to 6th form, my sister has taken over my room, and i cant even move into hers, which i really shouldnt have to, because its a fucking dump, so i spent tuesday night on the sofa, which resulted in about an hours sleep - broken sleep.
my poor mum is great bless her, but she appears to be giving up on my lazy, disrespectful siblings and as much as i want to help, theres nothing i can do.

if it wasnt for the greatness of the angels and airwaves gig, which featured a boxcar racer racer song which made my night, but also re ignited my desire to see that band, i would have deemed the weekend pointless. i thank steph for this cos i wouldnt have bought a ticket if it wasnt for her.

it was great to see shanice on her first birthday, and i love seeing sabrina, but childrens parties are only fun when you are a child..and the balloons flew away.

so hmm... norwich it is.
x

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 10:37:55 GMT

i've done it. i've finished my first year at uni.

Mon, 29 May 2006 23:39:03 GMT

Hey everyone,

I've created a new profile, upon which i plan to post a bit of poetry now and then, dunno if i actually will, who knows, but if you could be so kind as to as to add 'kellehcup' to your friends list, it would be most appreciated. tis just something i'd like to do..

x

Fri, 19 May 2006 14:14:41 GMT

although 2,500 word essays are not something i enjoy doing, especially when, due to my complete lack of attendance to the classes means i have to do all the research myself, and i have left myself 2 days in which to do this rather than the given 2 months, i find that there, when it comes to academia and such, there is nothing more satisfying than the very second when it all fall sinto place in your mind, the 4 parts of your essay clicking together like one jigsaw piece, from the four corners of your mind. its a nice feeling and suddenly its like the sun is shining down on your pile of paper. having said this, when you come across a sentance such as:

'self-consciouness exists only to the extent that it exists for another self-consciouness, and only to the extent that it is recognised by the other as existing'

the sun that once shone suddenly explodes. and everything goes dark again.

Wed, 17 May 2006 19:50:27 GMT

i feel saddened. i was just looking over old photos. christmas photos. amaias birthday photos, which arent that old but it was the only time over easter that all of us were together..minus casey, elleh and helen :( but everyone else nonetheless. and we all look so happy and there is much love. i know that still exists, but not so frequently. easter was shitty, i fucked up big time with family which made me pissy around friends. i couldnt win really. i wish easter hadnt happened. i wish we could start it again, with amaias birthday and keep that happy madness going for the whole 4 weeks rather than one deranged night.
basically, i miss you. whoever you might be, if you're reading this and you know what i'm talking about then i miss you. uni isnt the end of the world as you know it, so it shouldnt mean the world as i knew it should change. yes, we have all grown up and changed in different ways, we've all had dramas and tragedies to deal with, no matter how big or small, irrelevent or trivial, we all dealt with things that were new to us, and we could still make it work.
i want a group hug. i want the group.

i do love it here. i love the people. i believe that some of these people i will know forever. me and vikki will still be lookin at the pretty boys and kissing each other even when we have dentures. me and ben will always drink wine and talk rubbish and steal construction sites. pheebs will always call me her baby. angie will always be a drunken loon covered in plaster.

i don't compare the 2 groups. they are different groups, they hold different purposes in my life. but just as i'm still getting to know these people i'm still getting to know everyone i've always known. new things happen every day. in case you were wondering, my current fave colour is yellow, fave song 'school uniform' by the pipettes, fave food is bananas.
i'm not entirely happy with the way i look, but i never really have been. its me and i've looked like this for 19 years.
i'm not entirely happy with my poetry, but im finding ways to improve.
i have a bizarre relationship unfolding that could potentially mess me up but could also be brilliant.
i have deadlines which are stressing me out.
i have 6 bottles of wine to calm me down.
i have a sore finger. a headache. an itchy arm.
i dont have much money, but im not suffering.

i am, despite all the above, generally happy. i feel settled and refreshed. i know whats going on in my head. im not confused by anything or consumed by anyone. i know where i stand in most situations and those in which i'm unsure arent actually relevant at this moment.

i dont quite know where this entry has come from. i'm not sure why i've just evaluated myself. i have noticed that i have a tendency to do this around deadline time. i evaluate my behaviour as well as my work and 'personal development'.

so again,
whoever you might be, if you're reading this and you know what i'm talking about, in any way, at any moment, then i love you

Wed, 03 May 2006 11:58:12 GMT

just so you know, everything is fine with mum, she apoligised for saying what she said, for she was in a rage.

hmm im in the bar, i expected to find all my friends here, but alas, they are not. i am alone...

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 16:54:46 GMT

hmm so i ddnt finish the last update. it would have dragged on a bit, so in short:

my mum was absolutely fuming that i invited dad down without tellin her, she kinda stopped speaking to me for about 2 weeks, was very upset and cried a lot. so, this holiday i have been told that:

'theres been no pleasure from you coming home this time'
'all you seem to do is drink'
'i think its best if you stay in norwich over summer'
'home is only a stop gap for you isnt it, somewhere to recover from your hangover'

as a result of this i felt like a complete selfish cunt (and still kinda do) which meant my moods were more down than up, the more time i spent away from home the more annoyed she got, the more time i spent at home the more i was 'doing it out of guilt' (i wasnt)

shes realised now that i am really more than sorry about fucking up majorly in the first week back, but im still selfish, self indulged and taking the piss.

hmf. there ya go.

so much for sanity

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 20:07:32 GMT

Ok, 5 days have passed and already i've pacified drunken fighting lesbians, seen a dancing nun, got drunk, sipped vodka from a french boys mouth and put myself at number 1 on my newly created 'hate list'....

Thursday came home, with Vikki, which was lovely but so strange seeing her on a bus. A London bus, in nowrich. Why confuse us like that? Left Vikki at Victoria and came home, spent the evening happily creating 21st Birthday collage for my cousin. Good.

Friday, stayed in bed for ages, Bernice came round, we chatted, had tea. Still good.

Saturday, Sabrina came round. Shanice is crawling, shes 9 months now.
Amaia came round (hugged and squeezed her) and we made our way to the Fox n Firkin to see everyone. Had a lovely evening there, Mel got very drunk which was great. Can't wait to do it again. After Fox, me and amaia went to my local so i could say goodbye to barmaid whos moving to israel (as you do) hugged and squeezed her aswell. Blagged a drink, played pool, went home. Very good.

Sunday, woke up to alarm and smacked amaia in the face. Spent the day setting up pub and blagging pints. Liam (21st) turned up on time, very surprised by the party, which was brilliant. Drank loads more, danced, ate cake. invited Dad down to join the merriment. Family havent seen Dad for ooh 5/6 months? Mums heart sank, they didnt speak all night. Partied continued.

Theres more. But right nw i cant be arsed to type it. Oops.

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 01:15:06 GMT

I think i'm going mad. Actually i know i am. Way too much has happened in such a short space of time and its finally taken its toll on little old me.
Falling in and out of crazy love with crazy people, getting very drunk very regularly, not going into class, popping back to london for breif random giggage with melleh and not seeing all my home people, mathew leaving, people dying, hearts breaking, me falling over and walking into doors, spending all my money on silly things like thomas the tank spaghetti shapes and tesco value colouring pencils (as well as shit loads of booze and clothes), jaunts to cambridge, deadlines, messy bedrooms, seperated parents, wheelbarrows, fairy lights and laughing gas (to name but a few) of the things that have led to me going loopy.

And i'd like to say its going to calm down now. But i know that this week i will be gettin new poetry and fiction units, essay titles and art projects, as well as having to book my ticket home, pack the vitals, dye my hair, clean and tidy my room, have an end of term party.... etc

I need a break and i can't think when i'm going to get one. Its my cousins 21st as soon as i get back, so thats another hectic party, then theres muchos catching up to do with everyone, then more gigs to go to, more counties to visit, tickets to buy, coachs to catch etc

Dresden Dolls/Tilly/Give It A Name - London
BOB DYLAN!!!! - Bournemouth
Boy Least Likely To - Leicster

And the above legend that is Bob Dylan is going to cause way too much to excitement for anyone to handle. Not to mention how my head will EXPLODE when i see the Dresden Dolls and blah.

I realise that these arent actually problems, i'm not sayin that they are, im just saying that i need down time and i dont know where im going to find it.

Its not good for my health to be here anymore. Im spening more time sleeping in and less time going to class. Dont get me wrong i love it here, and the people are amazing but we need a break. I need sanity.

x see you soon

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 12:23:34 GMT

last night, i got very very drunk.

this morning i was going through stephs phone and found pictures of me kissing pheebs and vikki. i don't remember doing this at all.
also this morning arthur came in looking for his wallet. he thinks he dropped it when he climbed through my window. i dont remember him doing this at all.

i am at this moment feeling rather unwell. im sitting in rachels bed and although very comfortable, am likely to still be quite drunk. i dont really like it this time though because i have regrets, and that is a rare rare occasion.

rachel said my kisses are special and i shouldnt give them to everyone. and i dont mean to, i just get carried away. thinking back, i'd rather i hadnt kissed pheebs and vikki. i really really really regret trying to kiss ben. because that is one that a) means something and b) there is no b actually its mainly just because it means something

on the plus side i'm really really glad steph came to see me, because i've been feeling less than marvelous for the past couple of weeks or so and having a piece of home stay here, and have such a good weekend with them, is really awesome. we had a bbq, went to see a band, made really good spaghetti etc so yeh, thank you steph, i've missed you, a lot, and look forward to easter muchly.

right. now i'm gonna go find the aforementioned steph and hug her or something

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 13:35:59 GMT

Phone rings, on this lovely St Patricks Day morning as i sit and enjoy a Guiness & Black in my SU and i answer it:

'hello?'

'hello, is that kelly?'

'yes'

'hi, this simon from sony bmg. i was just wondering if you were still interested in going to PINK's album launch party next wednesday?'

'um, yes, um, will pink be there?'

'yes, she performing the new album'

'mshtbvlytmdfurhtrf'

'ok, cool, i'll send the tickets out to you now.'

'thank you'

*hangs up*

*smiling like a loon* 'steeeeve i just won pic pic picket to tickets to pink'

steve laughs..

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 16:37:05 GMT

If i were the weather, today i would be that beautiful rain that i watch from my window. The kind of rain that makes the streetlamps blur through the window, and you can't tell if you the sparkly glass is due to tears welling up in your eyes or simply lost raindrops. The kind of rain that is amazing on long late night car journeys, that takes you so far into the depths of your own mind and body that you can't imagine leaving again. At the same time, your thoughts are blank and when you think you are nearly normal you slip into apathy. The kind of cold fresh wind that spirals round you and you are thankful to be in it. The kind where you sit for hours doing nothing and you want to leave but nature just won't let go of you.

noone ever plans to sleep out in the gutter but sometimes its just the most comfortable place.
so im drinking, breathing, writing singing...

am off to the heath now with 35cl of Jack Daniels and a book of Plath
x

edit:
i am pleased to announce that after a long chat with the dearest amaia i no longer felt the desire to take off with Jack and Sylvia. Thank you. x

Multi Tasking!

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 13:29:53 GMT

Last night i managed to finish my art project (took a good few hours), cook chicken for me and ben, drink wine with ben and entertain phoebe all at once.

I got an hours sleep.

But my art project is marvellooos... well its ok.

What i really want to do now is have a long soak in a big bubbly bath then snuggle up on the sofa with my mum and watch strange tv programmes about nothing.

x

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 14:04:35 GMT

Last night we went to Po Na Na's. We being me, Vikki and Phoebe.

Its possible that we drank their entire supply of Smirnoff vodka. I don't like vodka, i know this, but it was the cheapest spirit they had.
I honestly honestly didnt feel drunk. At all. So i went to buy more.

I didnt throw myself down the stairs and onto my knees, bouncing up to run towards the bar and order more double vodkas.

The 3 of us weren't kissing each other lots of times, right in front of the DJ.

Pheebs wasnt struggling to stand.

We were all sober as fuck.

Me and Phoebe didn't cry in public.

I don't have grazes on my knees or holes in my tights. Nooo. That would be silly.

We are not hungover.

I didn't sleep in my clothes again.

I am not a compulsive liar.

And, drum roll please:

I finally admitted to myself and others that I don't fancy Amber anymore.

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 18:14:30 GMT

When me and Phoebe are left alone for a while, we start planning things. Things like scrapping all the stairs in our new house and installing slides, and in the morning you throw your bag down and then throw yourself down, headfirst.

Today, Ben was with family, Angie was with Arthur and Vikki was away. We sat in Phoebes room and she painted while i researched myspace. We cracked open a bottle of Jacob's Creek Shiraz Cabernet and ate some fruit. In all this excitement we started hatching new plans. Such as....

'You have booked 3 standing tickets for JAMIE T + ESKE at The Academy @ Anglia S.U. in Cambridge on THU, 09/03/2006, doors at 20:00, starts at 20:00

Your card has been charged £18.75
Please note - this will appear on your statement as EVENT TICKETS

Thanks again for booking online at seetickets.com - enjoy the show!'

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 20:16:01 GMT

Happy Amber Day! Celebrating 20 years of...

and in other news

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 2.52

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:

0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 22:48:30 GMT

just imagine:

she opens the door, wine glass in one hand, bottle in the other. whisking you in, she offers you a glass before you have time to say hello. her tiny frame drowns in a large jumper and tights. her hair is longer than she. she dances you into the kitchen, past socks piled on poetry books that are piled from floor to ceiling. in the kitchen she kisses her oh so handsome husband on the cheek. he is cooking the nicest meal you could wish for, and flashes you a diamond smile. she offers you more wine and opens another bottle for herself. he is an amazing cook, but much to his dismay she doesnt each much, hence her tinyness. they have an amazing friendship, despite the fact that she often uses the oven as a bookshelf, once again much to her husbands dismay. however, he loves her to smithereens and finds her eccentric ways adorable, as does she with him.
you stay up all night, sharing stories of travels to sweden, america and paris. your careers and families are blossoming. the wine is endless and the laughter brings you to tears. there is so much love and happiness in this room you can't imagine needed much else. you have become the steven fry and judi dench of your generation.
your name is *enter name here* and you are visiting the home of kelly and marc.
it is the year 2031.

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 14:55:42 GMT

Instructions:
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

hmm so i did this. but the nearest book is a damien hirst book, and seeing that hes an artist there are very few sentances to be found on page 123 and as page 123 is part of a list of exhibitions old hirst has done all i can give you is:

'british art, barbara gladstone gallery, new york'

'i feel like a pig shat in my head'

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 12:29:05 GMT

as you may know, on wednesday we had a big party at which i got very drunk and walked into the kitchen door. this at the time amused me no end and i ran around showing people my bruise. however, i awoke on friday morning unable to open my left eye. i then had a minor nosebleed and my nose has been blocked ever since. today, being monday, my nose is still misbehaving and my head still hurts. on the plus side, my eye works again.

i was ever so slightly consumed with the idea that i had chipped my skull, and was suffering from intense internal bleeding, which caused my eye to give up. i honestly thought i was going to black out in primark among the cheap and cheerful piles of t shirts. scary.

i should go to the doctor really.

in other news:

theres a new boy in my class and i'm in love with him. i dont know his name, or where he came from but i want his babies.

as you can tell, i have stepped back into the realm of heterosexuality. yay.

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 20:03:55 GMT

at the moment i feel that i talk about myself way too much. i dont actually enjoy it. its starting to bug me, so im sorry if it bugs anyone else. i'll calm down soon.

success...

Sat, 18 Feb 2006 22:25:37 GMT

so i'm at the stage where i read her horoscope as well as mine:

PISCES
(Feb 20 - Mar 20)
Your week ahead: You have a plan. The rest of us had better watch out. You don't normally bother with strategies. You don't need them. Experience has taught you that if you just allow half a good idea to emerge in the back of your mind, and then explore it instinctively, things will naturally tend to fall into place. When you do make your mind up to follow a very definite, specific sequence, you get one of two results. Immense frustration - or supreme success. The latter awaits you now. As long as you are prepared to persevere, you can't fail.

LIBRA
(Sep 24 - Oct 23)
This week will bring a development from out of the blue. You don't, though, need either to prepare for it or to worry about it. You just need to recognise what a gift it is, and then embrace gratefully.

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 19:20:36 GMT

forget my last post. i retract it.

'ive given up on men. i'm sticking to women' said amber one day

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 02:23:48 GMT

i shouldnt have kissed her.

kissing her was dangerous. well it is dangerous. now. cos everytime i kiss her i want to kiss her again. and we're 'just friends' which although i may say is cool, its dawning on me that it isnt cool. i dont want to be just friends. i never have wanted to. and then i kissed her. and told her i liked her. i dont know if it would have been easier for her to say, 'cheers kel, your sweet, not interested' rather than 'yeh i feel the same about you but lets stay friends'.

what? thats silly. people are silly. you cant get my hopes up, my hopes are miniscule anyway because they rarely get the opportunity to get up. and when they do get up its only half way because they are knocked back down for one reason or another.

maybe it would have been easier, because that way there is absolutely NO potential and i'll just have to settle for rejection. which was what i expected anyway....

~*~ kellehkins ~*~